by For most of Mati Roy’s life, dating was low on his priority list. Although he gave dating apps a half-hearted try and would have welcomed a relationship if it developed naturally, looking for love didn’t seem worth it.
But when Roy turned 30, his priorities began to change. He spent a lot of time reflecting on the ethics of having children and then decided that he wanted to have some of his own.
In December 2021, Mr. Roy prepared an online dating biography, also known as a “dating me document,” and encouraged people to share it online. He noted that he was 6 feet 2 inches tall, did not drink, smoke or use drugs, and was less interested in spending time together than typical couples.
Kids were important, so to sweeten the pot, she offered $2,000 to whoever would introduce her to the person she would end up legally co-parenting with. (Mr. Roy chose that wording so as not to rule out adoption.) The money was an experiment and the amount reflected a sum that could motivate people to get involved.
Roy, now 33 and a project manager at OpenAI, called the reward a “citation reward.” A friend offered an additional $1,000 with an easier requirement: It would go to whoever introduced Mr. Roy to a person who would bring him “a lot of joy” for at least 18 months. Another friend, Anatoliy Zaslavskiy, who goes by Toli, added $500 with the same 18-month condition, bringing the total reward to $3,500.
Zaslavskiy, now 31 and an engineer at Dropbox, liked the idea so much that he decided to offer his own reward for the dates: $100,000 to be paid over a four-year vesting schedule.
“I really liked the vesting structure that startups have and thought, ‘If this works in the financial world, why can’t it work in the dating world?’” said Zaslavskiy, who chose the amount after analyzing his spending and thinking about how much he wanted to invest in love.
After the first year of the relationship, the amateur matchmaker would receive a lump sum of $25,000. The person would then receive monthly payments of approximately $2,000 until the full amount was paid or the couple separated.
For those with a higher tolerance for financial risk, Zaslavskiy proposed an alternative: a profit-sharing initiative. If the prospective partner agreed to the terms, the matchmaker would receive 10 percent of the couple’s combined income in a similar vesting program. If his profits increased, the reward would also increase.
Zaslavskiy, like Roy, posted his reward online. As the documents circulated, commentators derided the idea as not only unusual, but also embarrassing.
love and money
The term “bounty” conjures up images of bounty posters for catching criminals and is reminiscent of the “bug bounties” that technology companies offer to people who find flaws in their systems. But Roy and Zaslavskiy’s dating rewards can be seen as a return to the old matchmaking system.
Instead of swiping, they want to incentivize connections that help them find a partner, and in fact, that was once the main way people met their partners, he said Michael J. Rosenfelda Stanford sociologist who has investigated how couples find and stay together.
Rosenfeld believes a date reward is sensible given that friends and family are out of practice making introductions.
“This is an all-hands-on-deck effort and it makes sense to me,” he said. Furthermore, he added, people “don’t properly treat singleness as an emergency” but rather as a state of life, “so if you want your people to work at it, you need to stimulate them with the feeling that this is actually something.” really important”.
For Zaslavskiy, the strangeness of the idea is part of its appeal. He wasn’t afraid of being ridiculed if it would open up more options for him to find love and he hoped the reward would attract the kind of open-minded person he would like to date.
At the time, Zaslavskiy, who lives in Brooklyn, was earning about $200,000 a year, so monthly reward payments of about $2,000 would have represented about 12 percent of his salary.
“I looked at all these things in my life that don’t bring me as much value,” Zaslavskiy said. “Right now I’m spending maybe $13,000 a month, but do I need all those things I’m buying? Absolutely not. “If I could spend $2,000 of that amount to find someone I love, then it would definitely be worth it.”
he points to Blind, an anonymous gossip app used by some tech employees. “It’s basically a bunch of tech guys complaining about their lives, as one co-worker put it,” he said. “Many people make more than half a million dollars a year and still struggle with their relationships. I think Blind people would be happy to pay more than 10 percent to have a satisfying relationship.”
matchmaker, matchmaker
For most people, $100,000 would be an astonishing amount. But larger sums have been offered before. A billionaire once offered Rachel Greenwald, professional matchmaker and executive fellow at Harvard Business School, a million-dollar dating reward if he found his wife. She rejected him.
Greenwald said it was not surprising that it was usually men who offered rewards for dates: “Women think it sounds desperate and men think it sounds like a power move,” she said.
It’s not that “dating rewards” don’t exist in matchmaking. “Marriage bonuses” and “success fees,” for when “success” is defined more broadly than walking down the aisle, are par for the course. Greenwald estimates that a third of matchmakers have some type of success fee in their contracts.
Still, don’t confuse the success fee with the matchmaking itself, Greenwald said. While some professionals (real estate agents, for example) work on commission, the most common matchmaking business model is a monthly retainer with a success fee. For top matchmakers, the retainer could be between $10,000 and $75,000 a month, for three to six months, with a success fee of between $50,000 and $1 million.
The model of only receiving a success fee is not the way the matchmaking business works, Ms. Greenwald said. She fails to recognize that what you are paying for when you go to a matchmaker is not just “success,” but also the person’s time, network, and psychological expertise to understand and guide you.
That’s why a dating reward may seem rude, even though paying for a dating coach or a premium Hinge subscription is fine, he said. Michal Naisteter, professional matchmaker in Philadelphia. One wants to pay for experience and help for personal improvement, the other likes to “put a price on love.”
A reward claimed
After Zaslavskiy posted his reward, he received about five submissions, two of which turned into video calls, but none of which turned into dates. After a meeting and breakup with his ex, he dates again and the $100,000 reward remains active. He is now polyamorous, so the reward will be paid to the person who introduces him to his long-term main partner.
Mr. Roy received about 27 introductions, which turned into five video calls and one in-person meeting. Neither ended in romance, but her friend Carrie Radomski, who had tried to set her up before her, shared her reward on her Facebook page. He quickly attracted attacks and the attention of Radomski’s Facebook friend Carissa Cassiel.
The honesty and specificity of his profile (Mr. Roy wanted at least two children and was into cryonics) appealed to Ms. Cassiel, and the payoff seemed smart. But the strong point was noticing how she took criticism. Commenters said the reward was strange, that the profile had too much information or that it sounded autistic, Cassiel, 39, said.
“I watched in the comments how he responded to people,” he said. “He would be very kind and say, ‘That’s a great point’ or ‘I should change that’ or ‘I could add something like that’ or ‘That’s not how I feel.’ She just handled everything beautifully and I found that very meaningful.”
Ms Cassiel decided to comment defending Mr Roy. She noted that, as a single woman, she liked to have a lot of detailed information when evaluating potential dates.
Mr. Roy was in Canada and Ms. Cassiel lived in Georgia, but the two began messaging and then spending time together during a mutual friend’s virtual get-togethers. To determine if they would work as a couple, Roy stayed with Cassiel for a few weeks and then spent time in Mexico with her and Thane, Cassiel’s son from a previous relationship.
Eventually, Mr. Roy moved to Georgia permanently. The couple got married last April and are raising Thane together. Since the relationship has lasted more than 18 months, $1,500 of the reward has been paid to Ms. Radomski, who intends to donate it to a nonprofit organization. Roy has not yet legally adopted Thane, but if she does, or if the couple has a biological child or adopts another child, Radomski would also receive the original $2,000 reward.
Mr. Roy and Ms. Cassiel are excited about the potential of dating rewards. He believes it’s a way for people who connect others to get paid for their work, which is a sign of respect. Mrs. Cassiel believes that, without him, she and Mr. Roy would never have met.
“I think it’s brilliant and it really gets people involved and concerned,” he said. “I think it also shows motivation, drive and commitment. It is very exemplary of his personality. When he decided he was ready, he put his money where his mouth was.”
