by Brianna Michaud’s childhood in the ’90s was filled with sleepovers at friends’ houses. His mother would sometimes come into the house and chat with the parents for a few minutes, but sensitive topics like bodily autonomy, gun safety, or the use of technology (except for the rule that she didn’t watch anything rated PG) 13 or higher) were not the issue. types of things discussed.
“It was a different time,” said Michaud, now 35 years old.
It may not be surprising that parents are experiencing more anxiety in general these days. There is increased awareness about issues such as sexual abuse and gun violence, said Christy Keating, a licensed parenting coach based in the Seattle area. Almost half of the parents in the United States describe themselves as overprotective, according to Pew research published last year.
And perhaps no scenario tests a parent’s vigilance more than the prospect of allowing their child to sleep over at another family’s home. For some parents, a solution to this is “sleepunder” (also called “lateover”), where children come to play, but do not stay over.
Qarniz F. Armstrong, mother of three children, ages 12, 14, and 20, has never allowed her children to spend a night away from her, even with other family members. However, she wants her children to have normal childhood experiences, so she decided to let them attend parties if she can get them home at bedtime, even if that means 2 or 3 in the morning. When considering the alternative (saying not quite), Armstrong, who is 43 and lives in Murrieta, California, calls it “a good compromise.”
His eldest son, Mecca, has a different point of view. Although he believes his parents had his best interests at heart, he said, “I definitely felt very left out.” He remembers begging his mother for two hours when he was 15 to let him spend the night, but she told him no. At the time, invitations were running out and he “really didn’t want to be the only kid who had to show up early.”
That was perhaps the hardest and loneliest part: not necessarily being picked up early, but being the only child to do so. “I would have felt better if other kids’ parents had done the same thing,” she said.
Ms. Armstrong estimates that her children have probably made between 10 and 12 “delays” each. And she has a protocol that she follows: She first calls the parents to ask them who will be there, if they have weapons and what they plan to do that night. She then enters the delivery location and greets the parents and everyone there. “I don’t have to worry about what other people think about how I protect my children,” she said.
Not all protective parents are lifting up their children. Last March, Michaud hosted a “mommy and me sleepover” with another mother and two children at her home in Silverdale, Washington, before her family moved to San Diego. She thought it was a great way to allow her children, ages 5 and 7, and her friends to spend the night together in a safe, familiar environment, she said.
It was also a good way to connect with another parent and not be harassed by her children. While the children played with their family puppy, jumped at the “glow stick dance party” and watched “Sing 2,” Ms. Michaud slowed down a bit and caught up over a glass of wine with the another mother “You can have these conversations with adults that you wouldn’t otherwise have,” she said.
But what can children lose by not spending the night somewhere else? “Sleepovers are a fairly normative part of American children’s culture,” said Sarah Schoppe-Sullivan, a professor of family psychology at Ohio State University, “and they give children the opportunity for true independence.” In her own experience, being exposed to different lifestyles and customs in her friends’ homes while growing up inspired a lifelong passion for studying how families function and their knock-on effects on society.
Sleepovers can be fun and beneficial for kids, but parents get something out of them too: a free night off for their child if they stay until morning. “It’s a great way to swap childcare,” Ms Keating said. “And a great way to connect with other families.”
The trick, Dr. Schoppe-Sullivan said, is to try to strike a balance where you are cautious but not overprotective. “Parents who are overly cautious” about sleepovers, he said, “are usually overly cautious about other things,” and that can cause anxiety problems for children who are prohibited from taking age-appropriate risks and, therefore, Therefore, developing a healthy sense of resilience and autonomy. .
The 8-year-old daughter of Toni Anne Kruse, a mother of two who lives in Maplewood, New Jersey, is ready to give up sleepwear.
“She’s actually upset with them,” Kruse, 42, said. What her daughter really wants to do are sleepovers, and she has already had about 10 of them, with “people I know and trust,” her mother added. For Kruse, whose own parents rarely allowed her to spend the night at a friend’s house, sleepovers are a “special time” to bond with friends.
She also admits that sleepovers benefit her personally: “I’d rather be comfortable and relaxed at home than have to pick them up somewhere” late at night.
“You don’t want to prevent your child from having formative experiences,” he said.
However, some children prefer their own space. Although Ms. Armstrong’s 14-year-old son has attended a dozen late-night parties, he always enjoys the moment when he can come home and sleep in his own bed. He never asks to stay later at a friend’s house, and when his friends come over to his house, he tends to pass out early and prefers to sleep rather than socialize. “She likes his privacy,” his mother said.
Dorina G., a 43-year-old mother from Los Angeles who was born in Iran and raised in Sweden, has already released about 12 pajamas for her children, ages 5 and 7, and their friends and family. She loves them, especially because the adults can socialize (sometimes over plated food, potlucks, or in formal attire) until the kids’ movie ends around 10 p.m., when everyone heads home. to go to bed.
Ms. G., who asked that her last name be withheld for privacy reasons, and her husband once hosted a parent-child sleepover in their backyard, where the parents slept outside in tents with the children while mothers retired to the comfort of their own beds. .
For G. and her family, traditional sleepovers won’t be an option until her children are at least 13 or 14 years old, she said. Growing up in Sweden, she “really enjoyed” spending the night in other homes, but “knowing what we know now,” she said, her and her husband’s attitudes have changed.
“I’m much more of a worried mother.”
