by I’m not ready to make things right
What do I do when my boss wants more than professionalism? My boss is terrible at his job and wastes the time and energy of the 100 people under him. When it is not clear, as one of the leaders immediately below him, I ask clarifying questions. He becomes nervous and defensive. As a woman, I feel it’s important not to adopt a demure and flirtatious attitude just to make him feel comfortable, but I was recently brought into his office to work on my negativity. What is the best way forward? To reiterate, I am extremely professional, I just don’t put on the typical girly song and dance to make myself more likable.
– Anonymous
Your boss has the right to have his preferences, but he doesn’t have the right to force you to jump through unnecessary, gender-based hoops to do your job effectively. I wish you had offered more information in your letter. Did he give you details about what he considers negativity? Did he offer preferred solutions for this impasse in communication?
I’m afraid there’s not much you can do, because you’re not really the problem. If he gets nervous and defensive when you ask clarifying questions, it’s probably because he doesn’t have the answers and can’t admit it. If he wants you to charm him with your feminine wiles, well, that’s a personal problem. If you’re being professional, and I think you are, that’s all you need to do. In the meantime, document being brought to his office and the conversation he had, and also document other instances where he’s being unreasonable, just in case.
Divided by service
I am writing to ask for advice on how to handle a situation that would have been completely unimaginable six months ago. An American colleague traveled to Israel to volunteer in support of the war effort. Not only did this colleague receive permission, but this person received special dispensation to exceed the number of allotted annual leave days.
We are the only two Jews in the office and we live in a part of the country where Jews are a minority. I’m willing to hold my nose about the permission our supervisors gave for travel and even the extra days off they gave because I expect a workplace to allow a worker to pursue his or her interests outside of the office, within reason.
But how am I supposed to continue working with this colleague? I consider this colleague the worst kind of self-hating Jew for sullying our shared peaceful religion with these actions. My supervisors are completely oblivious to my dilemma and fury, for now.
What would you do? Do you feel like my feelings are legitimate or am I exaggerating?
– Anonymous
You have the right to have your feelings, but you can’t dictate what other people do with their time, energy, and resources. You can’t decide that your colleague hates himself because he has made a decision you don’t agree with. Whether he takes time off to volunteer in Israel is none of your business.
You don’t want to start prying into why people take time off, because there are all kinds of reasons why people will request and receive special leave waivers. If his colleague were a US Army reservist, would he have the same feelings? When your colleague returns, you may have a conversation to try to better understand his options, but what will that accomplish?
Although they share a cultural background, they have different ideas about how they should behave. There is common ground to be found, but you both must be willing to meet there. Your anger is something you must control. Put that energy into something productive, like participating in a protest or volunteering. his time with an organization that reflects your values.
